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Saturday, 2 February 2013

How To Write About Australia

In English class, we read an article 'How to Write About Africa' by Binyavanga Wainaina and it was basically a sarcastic essay, telling you all the stereotypes on Africa and how it isn't what people think it is. I tried to mimic it so everything is below :) (By the way, none of this is racist and no offense is meant. I'm an Aussie and I love my country and I think its funny how people think up all those crazy ideas about Australia :D )


When writing about Australia, one must include the words 'kangaroo', 'down under' or 'mate' in the title or caption. Try to adopt the Aussie lingo in the introduction (for example: G'day, mate! Straya is the land of surf, sand and sun...) but quickly drop it as you begin your second paragraph )it just won't work out for you).

Multiple paragraphs should mention the beautiful sunny beaches in Australia. However, do not mention any names except 'Bondi' as the reader will not be aware that more than one beach exists. Be sure to tell your reader to be cautious when swimming as a huge swell could drown you at any moment. However, hot suntanned lifeguards will drop out of nowhere to rescue you so there is an upside of being caught in a rip (if you are a girl).

Going surfing is an entirely different matter all together. Massive aggressive sharks could bite your arm, foot, or leg off at any moment. Surfboards will often wash up on the shore with huge bitemarks ripped out of the board. You should include the fact that Australians surf whenever they have the chance, often waking up before dawn to get to the beach.

Of course, the legendary animals of Australia must also be included. Kangaroos are the most common pet in Australia, and they are often ridden to school or work. What the kangaroos do as they wait for their masters to finish their long hard days of work is a mystery so don't bring it up. Koalas are also a huge favourite and wherever you go, there will be hundreds in the trees just waiting for a cuddle. However, they can turn into vicious savages so be sure to warn readers that they should be handled with care.
On the subject of dangerous animals, sleeping at night is almost impossible because of the high possibility of a deadly snake or spider creeping in to your bed and biting you. Beware!
Crocs lurk in the murky waters and love a good wrestle, so if you go kayaking or canoeing in the beautiful rivers, estuaries or lagoons, they might attack. People have been known to get dragged into the water silently and eaten, bones and brains never found.

Your characters should be blonde girls and buff boys. Throughout the essay, the characters should be dressed in bikinis and board shorts and have a stripe of green zinc on their noses. The men should carry  beer cans and everyone eats Vegemite (obviously) as well as BBQ food.
Fun pastimes include boomerang throwing, so be sure to give tips on how to throw the boomerang. Owning a boomerang is a necessity.
Finally, everyone says 'mate' at the end of a sentence. And finish your essay saying how much you love Australia, the land of surf and sun and you will never, ever forget your amazing experience. You will be back. That's all for today, mate.

From the Purple Owl :)

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